Depression

        I really wondered why I need to feel this way. It's over the years I've been in and out of a depression detention cell. I feel so defeated when I feel this way. What really matters is that I can always go out anytime and have the choice not to be in here forever. Life is always complicated and the only thing that is constant is change. Things just fluctuate into good time and sometimes bad. Happiness is a state of mind and a choice. There are just things around me that makes me so frustrated and discouraged. People hurt and they also are capable of loving and hurting me. Going out of the situation is the best escape but facing them is the most courageous thing to do. I'm facing my fears, I'm fighting my loneliness, I'm going with the flow, I'm planning what to do for my next best move, I try so real hard to pull up myself and just stay normal as I should be. It is a great struggle but I'm doing my very best to win this battle but I know I am not alone in winning this battle. The only difference from before was that I don't have God in  my life. The greatest victory I had was that I let God into my life. I went back to church. Reunited with the right power ups, strength and energy. The correct and appropriate channel I need to turn to. Where I was lead to the right path. Before, I was all alone and my greatest enemy was myself. Now I already make peace with myself and befriend it. My enemy now is the real enemy. The enemy that is been disguising and deceiving me for years. He use people and make this people hurt me, shake me and provoke me. This is more of a spiritual warfare that I need to face, adjusting to the cruel world of humans hungry for fame, riches, power and influence and Making and choosing the right decision. Prayers changes everything, maturity bites reality and family and peers support helps a lot. My story is not yet done. I need to end it well. I know someday I will be free from depression and will be truly happy in this world. God will help me get through with this. I trust in Him and I have faith.

PEACE!

I'm so tired already but I just couldn't figure it out why I still have the strength to go on and move on with life. Maybe because God wills that I have to stay strong in spite of all the things I'm going through right now. I still wish people is going to stop hurting me. I'm tired of being affected with all these people. I should not be listening to them but they keep on bothering me now for months. I'm hopeful that they are going to stop it and starting to accept everything. I hope not too soon. Just got to go with the flow and just be it. I just got to continue to smile and let things be. I hope I could still endure all things I'm going through right now. i know I'm not alone and God is here for me. I just hated when people is measuring and testing my patience otherwise I could be just doing the things they want me to do. I promise myself not to do it and that is to fight back or lose my temper. I just got to stay in control and just doing everything the best that I could. As long as I'm not hurting and stepping on others rights I continue to move on and fulfill my mission. Life has to go on no matter what happens

Today

It was a rainy day today. I never saw the sun and until this very moment the rain is still pouring down from the sky. I got somehow a not so good day today but I have just resolve a very crucial issue in school. Quite tiring and draining but that's the way it should be. I'm glad it's over now I hope that it never happen ever again. I know that it is God's plan and I hope everything will be fine now. I wonder if there is a low pressure area here in our place. I hope the rainy will stop tomorrow I just miss the sun. Life has to go on no matter what. Have a blessed day my friend.

Worrying is No Good

Just imagine how we look like when something is bothering us inside. When we worry we put all ourselves into a difficult situation. Our body will be affected and our moods as well as our relationship with others. Worry can make one sick, it can waste our energy and make us stagnant. I've been fighting to stop worrying yet when that terrible phenomenon happens in me, I got so shaken,confused and upset. I just got to put my trust in God. Everything happens for a reason and He is in charge of everything. I have nothing to do but to keep on believing that things will get better soon. I wish someone could give me a happy pill that would lift my spirit but I just got to go with the flow because when things happens it happens and I must got to co-operate with the inevitable. Accept the thing that happened then to courageously face the reality and to just let it go like it never happened at all. Have a worry-free weekend friend.

Trust in God

I don't know how to describe my feelings but I don't have plans to figure it out anyway. Feels like everything is falling apart but I don't have to worry no more what happens, happens. My cousin honey once said that we can't change the past but we can ruin the present by worrying about the future. I just got to think of the worst things that might happen and accept the consequences I have to give it up to God. He is in charge of everything. I need to just let things be. Just got to put all my trust on Him. There is no need for me to be afraid of what will happen otherwise I'll end up six feet under hehehe. I just have to blow it in the wind. Every rain has a rainbow and every pain there is a time to heal. My head aches too much if I think a lot. I better think of happy thoughts that will divert myself from thinking of the bad things that is happening right now. I never give up on life no matter what. Have a happy weekend my friend.

Wacky Weather

I don't understand the weather today. When I went out of the house it started to rain but when I'm on my way to school the sun started to shine so brightly that I feel so irritated. The weather changes just as my mood changes too. When I'm done working in school it started to rain again. I wish that this tricky weather would stop playing on us. It also does change our plans of the day. I strongly believe that mother nature is really sick this time. I guess she is now letting us know and feel that we need to do something to solve global warming. Let's act now or else it will be too late. Doing this it should start within me like I should throw my garbage in the right place, minimize the use of air conditioners instead use fan, check products it should be environmental friendly, recycle things that could be converted to other use, reduce garbage, segregate garbage from non-biodegardable materials to biodegradable materials, avoid burning things, plant more trees and reuse the things that could still be use. It is a challenge to each and everyone of us to cure this sick planet. Act now my friends.

Just Another Day

I slept in the morning and when I woke up I did my household chores. My problem is that I still feel bored of my life. I have nothing to do. I wanted to do things that will keep me alive. I wanted to finish my thesis proposal but I don't know why I just can't move. I feel so helpless this time. I wanted to ask for help but I have no one to turn to. I wanted to lose weight this summer but at the back of my head I think it takes a lot of effort and hard work to lose weight but it seems like we always got a celebration here. Nanay prepares delicious foods like crabs, shrimps, adobo, and grilled fish. Almost everyday it is like living in a hotel with great food preparation. I guess nanay is testing me to have my self-control and discipline. I still didn't start with my plan like walking in the sports center or perhaps join a modern dance class just for fun. I don't have much time to waste I need to move or else it will be too late. I need to act now and let go of whatever fears and insecurities I'm feeling. Now, I realized that maybe I can't move because I dwell in the dark side of things and all the frustrating things I am experiencing right now. I need to have the courage in order for me to pursue my goals and for me to achieve them. I need to pray more I know God listens and God will help me.

Vacation Blues

Hi friends I had a long vacation here in Cagayan de Oro and I attended a wedding ceremony yesterday in Medina, Misamis Oriental. It was the wedding of my friend Delia and her fiance. I had a greatest time in my life. The place is so peaceful, it a cool climate and there is no brown out in their place. I love to stay if I have the chance to choose I would probably make that place be one of the choices to pick. In my journey there, I witness a person who live her life alone ever since her husband died now that her successful children have their own lives. I felt that she is lonely but the she told us that the thing that helps her survive is singing. It is the music that lifts her soul and makes her happy. She had a great voice. I'm just glad that in her loneliness she had a way to divert it. In her loneliness she gain friends. I felt her sadness yet I believe that it is in our decision relies on what we are going to feel. Indeed I admire her of her courage and strength to live alone. Someday I wish I will not be alone.

Yehey! I'm done.

Finally, I'm done with my paper works in school. I still got more papers to accomplish but at least the most important paper is done already. I have to accomplish everything for me to get cleared. I'm not going to serve in the election but I'm going to join the census team this May. I have all the time to accomplish also my thesis proposal. I get so tired this whole week I did nothing but to check all the forms I need to fill up. I'm so sleepy. Got to go now. God bless you

I'm here

I've been busy lately trying to figure out how to get out of the things I wanted to avoid. I think this will never end not until I put an end to this. All I wanted to tell you all is that I'm going through something. I don't know how to get out of it yet I'm trying to. Anyway, today we have our get together with our co-teacher who is retiring from the service. Imagine for 35 straight years she devoted herself in teaching and sharing her life to the kids she handled. I salute her of her patience, endurance, love and humility in our profession. I wish i could reach as far as 30 years in staying and surviving as a teacher. Life as a teacher is not that easy. It needs a lot of strength, courage and guts to stay. Staying means allowing oneself to grow and open to new learnings in life. I wonder if I could survive more than 30 years I hope so. Take care my friend.

Temperature Rising

It's really hot in here. I feel like I'm melting. I feel uncomfortable with the heat. I just have to adopt to these changes or else I will end up complaining and miserable. I notice that people around me have hot temper they easily get angry and flared up like a firecrackers. I don't have much time to think of them but it is getting on my nerves we are all getting affected somehow but we just got to take things as they happen and just accept it even if it is hard. I hope everything will be in peace soon. We just give them space and time to realized everything. The most important thing is that I'm not part of their war. I want to help them out to patch up things but I just can't. I'm hoping that things will work out fine soon.

Where is the light?

I can't see a thing help me. I'm just joking. I feel really upset of experiencing brown out. I just got to live with it perhaps make it as a sacrifice for the poor souls in purgatory. I went out in the house without thinking that the whole block in our street is so dark yet I still manage to go home safe thank God for that. I still got more pending jobs to do. I'm thankful because I'm busy and I got a job. I always try to look into the brighter side of things now even if there are things that bothers me once in a while but it's just a part of it. These are just spices of life that makes our life more meaningful and challenging as well. I guess I got to enjoy all the brown out thing and including the warm climate. Like what I always say this too shall pass. Have a happy El Niño Phenomenon day.

Catching Up The Deadlines

I've been very busy lately. I still have pending jobs to be done but I know I will finish all of them today. I need to keep going because the school year is almost over. I'll be more busier next week than this week. I'm ok I'm not really tired but just sleepy. The school is going to end this March 31. Some kids are excited, some are not, and some just don't care. I do make sure they are all present for the whole month of March without unreasonable absences. Teachers got their training seminar for the electronic election. I'm not going to serve this coming election. I'm afraid that my pneumonia will strike again. I won't take any chances. Hospital bills are so expensive I can't afford to be sick. I got to go for now. I miss posting my thoughts. Have a nice day

I got dizzy thinking....

Hi it's been a week. I'm so busy doing a lot of things in school. I'm ok yet tired. My nieces got sick. I also got sick but feels like it's a natural thing in me whenever I get sick I'm already numb and capable of enduring the pain I'm feeling inside. I don't entertain the pain that I'm feeling I always put in mind that it's only in the mind. Kids get so excited for summer vacation they are trying to be so relaxed in their studies. I'm trying to be a little bit firm but kind to them right now in order that they will get good grades in the fourth quarter. I think it is working. I got to pray harder and think positive about it. I'm not giving up that some of these kids will grow up and be mature enough to be responsible in their studies. I wanted them to change their attitude to become better individuals in our society. I know change is difficult but I know maybe not tomorrow but someday these kids will realized the true importance of Education in their lives and they will find the true path they should take. I wish that they will not be lost in the end. Let them decide the right decisions and teach them to choose the best choices in life. I always have a thought about this, each and every one of us are all lucky in this world, it is in our decisions and choices in life makes us hits the jackpot. We are the writer of our own story, the captain of our ship and the one who holds our life. God has given us the freedom to choose but we must always remember our limitations. We must make good decisions and best choices in life and most importantly use our freedom correctly. My kids will soon be grown up I hope they will learn everything about life.

I'm here again

I've been keeping my thoughts for days now. We are adjusting to our new madam in school. She is kind a bit different from our former madam. She radiates her energy to us enormously. New changes are quite difficult to follow. It's hard but I think I like her style. She does challenges me to do my work on time and inspires me to go to school everyday even if I'm sick. I'm not winning her heart nor making myself notice at. I just wanted to do things right even if I'm already tired. I'm almost giving up. I'm still here and I have to continue my mission and fulfill my visions in life as a teacher. When the time is finally over then I could make my decisions and make it into reality. If my calling is really for teaching then I will pursue it no matter what. This is a dream come true to me. This my life now. I know quitting is not a best option. I must face my plight or else I'll keep running way from the things that I don't want to resolve and end up being a loser and someday these things will haunt me if I will allow myself to quit and waste everything I have worked for. I know regrets will always comes at the end. Before it's late, I make sure that I have enough power ups and energy to go on- prayers and faith in God is my weapon. Have a nice day my friend.

Tired Feeling

I feel so tired I don't know why to think that I didn't really do much today. The kids are naturally and normally playful as always. I don't like that I idea but its just the way they are. There are some things that I wanted to change but it's just not beyond my power. I just got to live with it or else I'm going to say goodbye to this noble job of mine. I got to stay focus on my job and do good with it. Trials, difficulties and obstacles are always a part of it. Sometimes I wanted to give up but I don't know what keeps me going. There is just something that keeps holding me back and controlling me to never ever give up. I hope I still could endure that difficulty and sacrifices I'm going through right now. As long as I'm still having that something I need to hold on to it and never ever letting go of it. God is not sleeping. I know He is always here in my side. Have a nice day my friend.

The Insane Woman

Last Sunday, I attended a mass at six o'clock in the evening. I was late so I stayed outside the church. Suddenly a woman went inside the church. She was wearing a brown knitted blouse. I used to see her walking around the church. One thing that stuck me was that she is a special person yet too ordinary to be noticed at. I saw a sad person in her. I wish I could help her. She might be smiling yet looking into her eyes I saw a suffering soul within her. then I realized that I saw myself in her. I'm moved to tears. I just then realized that I am as sad as her. I felt the pain in my heart. This woman is just one ordinary person. She always goes to church almost everyday I even thought she stays in the church. She is an insane woman who escapes from the pain she is feeling inside. People escape from pain. I for one tries to get rid of it, but I believe that running away and getting rid of the problems and pain is not a solution at all. Pretending to be fine would make the pain more painful. Being blind and apathetic would make one a numb person. Acceptance, humility, forgiveness and letting go would be the best thing that I always bear in mind. Acceptance of what happen, humility to accept what happen, to forgive those who hurt me and let go of the hurtful feelings I felt. We are all insane in this cruel world we live in but the only way to stick with our sanity is to trust in God and to be strong to every challenges, trials and difficulties we encounter in our way. I'm holding on to what I have right now. I keep on Loving those people who cared for me, Help those who need me and I always try to do my job well to make God happy and proud of me. Have a nice day. (",)

Finally, Now I know.......

I was so bothered these past few days and now finally the worries are totally gone. I discovered that one of my pupils has a serious family problem. Ever since June, I always thought of winning his heart but I failed since he is not willing and he won't open up to me. Frustrating to know but maybe and surely he is hurting inside. He always wanted to be seen in the class, he wanted to appear bad and infamous to his classmates and he never took his studies seriously. I tried hard to reach out for him, but he is so close and he is so hurt that he can't even love himself for the reason he felt that his life is meaningless. He acts as if he never cares for anything and anyone even to himself. In my opinion, maybe it is his way of expressing himself how hurt he is. I feel so sad hearing the reality of what his family is going through. Now, I understand why he acted that way. I pitied him and I assure him that everything will be fine. Ding-dong is not the only pupil who got this problem. In my second batch of pupils before almost all of them suffered from this kind of problem only that those pupils were mature enough to accept that their parents could no longer be together and that they have moved on and let go of it. Accepting such thing is a process. It is hard and hurting in fact some never did escape from it but destroyed their life and ruined it. Prayer, support and guidance should be given to him. I'm praying that his wounds will be healed and that he will accept everything. In my own little way I will help him and free him from his wounded heart. Have a happy weekend my friend.

Blowing the burden down

I'm praying today that everything will be fine. Thinking of the heavy thing on top of my head lets me suffer from headache. So all I did was to stop thinking about it. I focus myself in all the requirements I need to accomplish and all the things I need to finish. After lunch I slept and I only woke up when I need to time in the afternoon. I let myself free from that burden why should I run from it when it is there I should face it no matter what. I have no choice but to face it. I have to be strong. If can't run from it then I have to face it. I know that this too shall pass with God's help He will help me and save me. I thank you madz for your advice it makes me feel better.

I need a break

I'm tired. I hope to rest. I need a break now. Everything is mixed up but I'm still hoping I could fix everything. I wish to explore to a new adventure in life if only I could go out to where I am now. I could have done it before but something is pulling me back. Something is telling me to stay. I'm asking for a sign if I'll stick to where I am now or to go and find the real path I should take. I've been numb and stagnant for years now. I need to move on and to have courage to explore and take the risks. The risk that I have been running from for years but no matter what and how I try there is always someone and something that stops me from moving on. Maybe I'm destined to be like this forever. I'm quite confused now but I need to pretend that I'm ok that I'm fine and to see the brighter side of life even if only a spark of light is the only hope I'm holding on too. I'm almost giving up but I have faith and trust in God that is for sure why I'm still strong as I am now. God will take care of everthing. He will never leave me.