I really wondered why I need to feel this way. It's over the years I've been in and out of a depression detention cell. I feel so defeated when I feel this way. What really matters is that I can always go out anytime and have the choice not to be in here forever. Life is always complicated and the only thing that is constant is change. Things just fluctuate into good time and sometimes bad. Happiness is a state of mind and a choice. There are just things around me that makes me so frustrated and discouraged. People hurt and they also are capable of loving and hurting me. Going out of the situation is the best escape but facing them is the most courageous thing to do. I'm facing my fears, I'm fighting my loneliness, I'm going with the flow, I'm planning what to do for my next best move, I try so real hard to pull up myself and just stay normal as I should be. It is a great struggle but I'm doing my very best to win this battle but I know I am not alone in winning this battle. The only difference from before was that I don't have God in my life. The greatest victory I had was that I let God into my life. I went back to church. Reunited with the right power ups, strength and energy. The correct and appropriate channel I need to turn to. Where I was lead to the right path. Before, I was all alone and my greatest enemy was myself. Now I already make peace with myself and befriend it. My enemy now is the real enemy. The enemy that is been disguising and deceiving me for years. He use people and make this people hurt me, shake me and provoke me. This is more of a spiritual warfare that I need to face, adjusting to the cruel world of humans hungry for fame, riches, power and influence and Making and choosing the right decision. Prayers changes everything, maturity bites reality and family and peers support helps a lot. My story is not yet done. I need to end it well. I know someday I will be free from depression and will be truly happy in this world. God will help me get through with this. I trust in Him and I have faith.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
I am so happy that our principal announced that we are going to have a visitation and observation with our supervisor. We are so prepared that we can't wait to see and welcome her inside our room. The moment came the time we have been waiting for. I was expecting to learn something from the supervisor but sad to say when she found out that I don't have the copy of the curriculum she is looking for she started insulting me and she was questioning me of my credibility as a teacher. I was so disgusted, humiliated and suffocated in my ten years of my life as a teacher. I was disappointed I thought I could be given help or assistance but all I get was a hurtful comment and accusation. I was hurt and discourage. I could say she did not perform her job well. Research says Education supervisors can work in all levels of schooling. Most commonly, education supervisors work as principals or assistant principals in elementary and secondary schools. These professionals are charged with leading the school to meet accountability standards set by local, state and national government agencies. Principals and assistant principals supervise teachers, paraprofessionals and support staff, such as secretaries, bookkeepers and custodial workers. Their responsibilities can also include budgeting, designing or implementing curriculum or programs, planning school events and evaluating teachers.(diploma guide) I was expecting her to guide me by providing me the curriculum herself she was looking for and yet for the fact no one and not even her provided me with such copy as well as giving me training to make my work as smooth as it should be. Sad to say all she did was insult me in front of my parents and my pupils. She is receiving a higher salary than I but for sure she don't deserve not a single centavo of her salary. All she did was to brag of herself in fact she did not accomplish anything. Little knowledge is dangerous. Maybe its about time that teachers will have a voice and be heard.Why not teachers will also rate supervisors who supervises them. This will show how effective they are in mentoring, guiding , and supervising them. Education fails not only because of the pupils and teachers itself, why not blame it to the administrators? why can't they are not to be blame after all they are the ones that are responsible for letting all the teachers implement this programs and new innovations. They are the prime movers to move, motivate and coach teachers to be at their best and not to pinned them down. I'm saying this because I am the victim here. I believe I must be treated well not because I am one of the teachers of the institution where i teach but because for the fact that I am human I deserve to be respected and to be treated as I should be.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
It's been four months now that my friend has gone. I've been very lonely ever since he unexpectedly went up to heaven. We used to be partners in the organization. He is part of my life since I learn a lot of things from him. He taught me how to love, he taught me how to accept people I don't like and he magically help me go out of my shell. It's all because of him I was able to change my notion that not all guys are bad and that there are still guys who are kind and gentle. I admit that I did fall in love with him. He knows it and I told him but he refuses to reciprocate the love I have for him. He told me to forget him. My intention of telling him my feelings was not really for him to love me back. All i ever wanted to hear from him was just a simple thank you but he said the wrong words to me. I got deeply hurt and since he told me to forget him, I follow what he said to me. I force myself to forget him even if it was so hard to forget him.As years passed, I was wishing to talk to him but I avoided him and he too don't talk to me. I never had any idea of what he really feels for me. Until we graduated from our masters. I didn't know he was there. I could still remember how he smiled and greeted me but I was so shocked that I don't know how to react. I just look at him and I never did say anything to him. I didn't know that was the last time I'm going to see him smiling at me. I knew for sure that day was his happiest day in his life. It was my happiest day too.
As years passed by I was able to get over him yet he is still in my heart. I met someone else who came and became my friend. He was also kind to me and I did again fall for this guy. But last October 31,2013, I remember how he broke my heart telling me he found someone and told me he is already into a relationship. I cried for the fact that things are not going to be the same like before because he already has a girl friend. later did I know the day my best friend told me he is going steady with his girlfriend.My friend met an accident. I was the last one to know that he met an accident when my sister told me what happen to him. I realized that I really didn't love my new found friend I realize that I still do love him.I was having second thoughts of visiting him. It was a fatal accident his right and left brain collided because he fell down riding a single motorcycle and he was bumped by a private vehicle which cause him to suffer from right leg fracture. I finally decided to visit him and I didn't get inside his room I was just looking at him outside his room in a transparent glass-window. I could still picture out in my head how he looks like with all those gadgets and tubes attached to his body. I appear strong in the hospital but when I went home I can't help but cry seeing him that way. after that I was just praying so hard that he will be fine. I even prepared a gift card to him hoping that when he wakes up he would read my notes unfortunately I wasn't able to give it to him. Everyday I read updates on his condition until I read that he opened his eyes and can even raised his hands I was so happy and thankful then.
A very tiring day came, I was sitting in my classroom and I was online when a friend of mine chatted me confirming if my friend is already gone. I slowly go over his account and there it was confirmed right before my very eyes that he is already gone. I was hoping it was not true. I thought he is already fine and I was thinking we could still have the chance to talk. I can't help but cry. I was really hoping that we could be friends again but fate didn't gave us the chance to talk. It was a heart breaking experience to me. Almost everyday I cried. It was a great struggle to me. Everyday, I pull myself just to make things normal as it should be. I tried having a lot of things to do for me not to remember Paulo's death. I never had the choice but to accept it and no matter how painful it is I have nothing to hold on now that he is already gone. Today I saw his picture he was so happy in his picture. I hope he is also happy to where he is now. I wish we could see him and feel even if now that he is gone.
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